It has always been you
by LTGWS
Summary: Takes place in current time, between episode 8 and episode 9. It involves Ryan Ray, Joe, and Cameron. This is how I think it should go. Cameron tells Tom that she loves him over and over, and she married him. But when she looks into that closet, the emptiness is a mirror. Her head is spinning with the recent death of Ryan Ray, and the only thing that she can see clearly in all of


The light in Cameron and Tom's once bedroom is dull and yellow, the walls appearing a deep brown. As she takes one final look around to make sure she has gathered all of her things before their trip to Tokyo, she looks in the closet. The closet is empty.

Cameron tells Tom that she loves him over and over, and she married him. But when she looks into that closet, the emptiness is a mirror. Her head is spinning with the recent death of Ryan Ray, and the only thing that she can see clearly in all of the darkness surrounding her is the face of Joe Macmillan.  
Knowing they will be on a plane tomorrow, she must go to him. She cannot tell this to Tom because that is what destroyed their relationship the first time, and she doesn't want that again – but then again, she isn't sure. She tells Tom that she is going to the store to pick up some things she thinks they might need, to spare him from the truth. When she says "Maybe I should go to store to make sure we have all the things we need." We hear the shaking in her voice. It is not fear; it is not hesitation – something inside of her snapped. She realizes at this point that while she may love Tom, she will destroy him and they will both end up as empty as that closet.

As she walks to her car, images of her and Joe from a past life flash across her mind so vividly she almost cannot focus on the road. In order to pull herself together, she does go to the food store to buy some food; this is what Joe did for her the time that he destroyed her BIOS. She is the one that found Ryan, and she destroys everything, so she probably destroyed this too.

As Cam is leaving the food store, Joe is leaving the beach. He returned to the place where he first met Ryan, but nothing is the same. Yes, the water is the same, the sand, the parking lot. Once, Joe was here in a wet suit chasing the vivacious crashing waves of the sea. Now, he is covered in layers of thick clothing and completely bland inside. He does not know why but in his head where he searches for comfort, the only face he sees in Cameron's. Once he realizes the impossibility of that comfort due to her marriage, he returns to his apartment, images of the balcony and the concrete beneath it plastered in his mind.

"How long did the fall take?" He wonders as he stands against the rail and looks over the edge. The red blood stains below hit him like a strong blow to the chest, and just for a second – he thinks about jumping too. But just then, he hears the door open. In his mind, he thinks it is Gordon. When he turns around and sees Cameron standing in his doorway, bag of food in hand, tears in her eyes, and wearing an old white tee shirt and ripped jeans, he begins to cry.

He is not thinking straight and he runs right toward her. Cameron drops her bag and wraps her thin arms around Joe's neck as he cries. This is familiar to her, this is where she knows she should be. But the past of them is so heavy, it is pressing down on them like a weight – and she knows he feels it too. They stand there for several minutes just holding onto each other in silence until Joe lifts his head up from her shoulder and looks in her glassy, green eyes.

"I did this. Cameron, I did this. All I do is destroy things. You were right, you were right all along, but I didn't listen. I always should have listened to you; you were always the future. And now Ryan is the past, and it is my fault his blood is on that balcony. Cameron, I did this."

"Joe, no. Joe you did not do this. I knew this is what you would be thinking. It is not your fault he jumped. I'm the one that found him, I'm the one that blew his cover. This is my fault, don't sop up all of my blame, don't let it destroy this new person you have built."

Realizing in that moment that they both felt the same way and probably always would, Cameron took off her wedding ring. Tom was a nice guy, a real nice guy, but she would destroy him and she knew it. Tom didn't deserve that but Cameron knew that he could never be Joe and he could never understand her like Joe did, and nothing between them would ever or could ever rival the mutuality of their psyches. Tom could never understand her constant need to destruct, and she could never tell what he was thinking; but Joe, Joe she could feel from miles and miles away.

She took the ring off and slipped it in her pocket and zipped it shut. Joe watched her do this and he felt two distinct things.

"Cameron, don't do this. Don't this because I won't be able to turn away and you won't be able to turn away and we'll destroy each other like we used to. I'm not that guy anymore, and you're not that girl. Who we are now, who you are now is not with me. It's with Tom."

"No, Joe, it isn't. When I came to see you that night about giving Gordon credit and I was wearing my right, it isn't because I forgot to take it off. You were the first person to see it. What you said about being happy and attributing it to the person closest me – I hated you for saying that. I didn't hate you for saying it because I was offended, I hated you for saying it because it was true and I knew it and hearing it out loud come from you shook me to the very core. When I put that ring on I knew I made a mistake, and the first person I wanted to run to was you. It has never been Tom. Joe, it has always been you."

They were standing a foot behind his door, three inches from each other, Joe's hands resting on Cameron's upper arms, which were dangling at her sides. At the sound of her words, Joe gripped her arms tighter. Lest he let go and she walk out, he may jump, too.

So he did the only thing he knew how to do. The only reason he was able to talk like this with anyone was because Cameron had taught him to do it those many years ago in her bedroom, during the hurricane. He did not want to continue the conversation, because there was nothing left to say. So he kissed her, and then everything was white and hot and sweaty and real.

Joe let go of Cameron's arms and placed them gently on her neck. He was looking into her eyes, and god, was it so easy to get lost in them. Her eyes darted back and forth from his eyes to his mouth, not daring to ask any questions because she could feel that Joe was on the brink between this world and the next. Two seconds later, Joe crashed his lips onto Cameron's. He kissed her hard, harder than he ever had before. Her hands wrapped around his back, nails digging into his shoulders.

"Joe." Cameron tried to say, but the name was muffled.  
Joe lifted his mouth off of hers just long enough to tell her to be quiet, to tell her not to talk, to say "Cameron, please."

She went at him with a ferocity that he had not experience since the day she kissed him two years ago. Cameron was fire, Cameron was electricity and heat. Cameron was the only part of him that was left alive.

She was biting his bottom lip, begging him to let her in. Years ago he would have teased her, closed his lips and returned the bite but now, he opens his mouth and they swallow each other up. Every single cell in his body was alive and electric, he was tingling everywhere and he couldn't think of anything except being inside of her. The kisses became aggressive, desperate, savage. He pushed her backward toward his bedroom and her small frame landed on the bed. She let out a moan "Joe, mmm, I forgot what this felt like."

Hearing those words, Joe felt his member harden and push threateningly into his pants. He had forgotten too, what it meant to truly Halt and Catch Fire.

Joe let out a loud grunt and he ripped off Cameron's shit. She arched her back as soon as he did that because his hand was instantaneously groping her breast. She was not a quiet lover, and he knew he once again has her under his spell. Usually they fight for control, but tonight they dance. She pushes against Joe's shoulders and flips them over on the bed, she is now laying on top. She wiggles out of her jeans without ever breaking the kiss, and undoes his immediately after. As soon as Joe feels her undo the zipper, he member immediately begins to throb, sending his body signals to free it from constraint. Cameron knows his body just as good as he does, and she senses this when she lays her hand on top of the bulge in his groin and he lets out a loud groan and bucks his hips into her. Cameron crawls down his body, stroking his scars and kissing his abdomen as she goes. Once she reaches his pant line, she playfully asserts one cool hand flat against his wait and fiddles with the elastic pulling on his wait from his boxer. Joe can't take it, he can't take it and he might explode. Through loud and desperate pants Joe huffs out "Cameron, Cameron, I can't do – ahhh- I can't do this. I need you, now. I want you now more than ever because I know what it's like not to have you."

Cameron pulls his pants and his boxers down and sliders her underwear off. She places her tongue on the underside of his cock and gives a smooth like all the way up, stopping at the top. She cups his balls and then – quickly – swallows his whole penis until her lips are at the base of his groin. Joe bucks instinctively and pulls on her hair. He's moaning loud now; he can't take it. He has to switch the dominance to keep from exploding. He sends a strong arm down around her and yanks her up towards him, throwing her back to the bed and laying on top of his. His member is pulsing now and he has positioned herself so the pulsing is right on her wet, hot, center. For a second, he lets the tip slip inside and then pulls it out, stroking all the way up to her clit. Cameron shivers. "Oh my god, Joe, Joe, stop. I can't, I can't."

Joe slides down her body and places her head between her thighs. He begins kissing the inside of her thighs, positioning himself so the side of his face hits her clit as he does it. She is going wild now, bucking into him and moaning. Between kisses Joe whispers a response "Oh, but Cameron, you did it to me." At the end of that sentence he places his lips on his hot wet center, and begins to suck. Cameron feels the waves build up in her body and Joe feels it too – his throbbing member straining against the bed sheets. Joe flutters his tongue back and forth over her clit and sucks simultaneously. He can feel that Cameron is on the brink, and he wants to make her wait. He begins to slide up but Cameron doesn't let him get all the way before the grabs him and flips him over. She is straddling him now and they locked in a passionate kiss that is rougher than a hurricane, they are starving. As they kiss Cameron positions herself right over his huge throbbing member and rubs her vagina up and down repeatedly, teasing and letting the head get inside of her. As soon as that happens and Joe gets a taste of what it's like to be inside of her again, he can't stop. He is possessed by instinctual actions and he grabs her hips and thrusts her down. He is filling the insider of her completely, her walls pulsating around him. She moderates the motions and his hands are on her hips pulling her up and down, up and down. He is thrusting into her, and they are moving at the exact same time – in and out of each other like they always have. They are both moaning and sweaty and they both open their eyes. As soon as they see the other one and they are reminded that this is real, they move faster and harder. Cameron slamming down into Joe and Joe thrusting deep inside of Cameron. They are both on the brink ready to explode. Joe thrusts up one more time and Cameron grinds hard, waves of euphoria flooding through the both of them. For a minute, everything is white and pulsating. They are panting and they are still moving up and down, riding out the waves of orgasm.

Once they slow down enough to feel it wither to a close, they open their eyes. Joe's hands are still on Cameron's hips and she is leaning down onto him, her arms around his hand.

"Cameron," Joe says "I can't do this with you if you aren't all in. I can't have this and not have it over and over again. Every time this happens a need is evoked in me and it leaves me feeling helpless and empty when I can't walk over to you and look at you and feel you close. It tears me apart."

"Joe." Cameron says, as she looks at him, "I am all in. There is nothing else for me except you, there has never been anyone else for me except you."


End file.
